How To Safely Leave Your Abuser?
Often people are judged and criticized for not leaving their abuser.
The abuse also becomes an addiction you get used to, especially if it’s the only relationship you ever knew or you yourself grew up with abuse.
We only know what we know.
The past, present, and future can also influence abuse, it can become your life long history.
It is significant to deal with past trauma, because we ourselves can easily end up with a lifetime of abuse, if wounds aren’t properly healed.
85 percent of women are in domestic violent relationships, the 15 percent are men.
Yes men need a safe exit plan too.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate by race, sex, gender, age.
It is a worldwide epidemic.
When abuse is the only pattern in our life, how can we change it, or exit safely, maybe that's a question you need to ask yourself.
When does enough become enough?
When do we start saying this isn’t going to be the rest of life?
When we look at ourselves bruised, battered, mentally, physically and emotionally broken.
Is that safe?
No it is not safe, however a safe plan must be a plan of priority and requires logical thinking, where you strategies out solutions to fix a very complex situation .
One wrong move you very well could end up dead or the hospital fighting for your life.
It is important to gain clarity, insight, and to understand and ask questions to your community network.
Exit strategies have to come with an action plan, step by step.
It’s easy to say leave, it’s more difficult to actually go through with it, as the results could be life threatening.
There is a term that is used when you leave your abuser; it is called separation assault, which is the highest risk where death can occur when leaving your abuser.
Your abuser goes into a panic, and fear mode, in which they are on a power trip.
They mold you into something you're not.
They isolate you, control you and threaten you by intimidation.
Some threats include, taking your children away or leaving you financially broke.
They do something called a push and pull effect.
The abuser will push you, beat you, name call, and then they will draw you back in with empty promises and the constant “I am sorry, you know I love you right” or “I didn’t mean to put my hands around you”.
These abusers are on a power trip, and always want to be in the driver's seat. They live for being the one that always dominates. They are always the ones that need to be front and center.
In the first two to three weeks of leaving your abuser you are at a high risk for being murdered.
When leaving you should notify a friend or family member that you trust and can count on, and let them know you are walking away from the relationship, that way in case anything goes wrong. That friend or family member has written proof to show police that you did walk away, or they save your call or voicemail.
Make sure to have a secret code word to someone in which you can rely on, and provide that code word to at least three or more people in case you can’t get a hold of someone right away.
If you don’t have friends or family make sure that you have community support, maybe a therapist and provide that code word to them or any local support groups you may be a part of.
When it's safe to leave your abuser you will pack up the most significant things you need in order to start fresh and to look forward to a new beginning.
First and foremost any and all legal documents will need to be taken with you such as
- Drivers license
- Health card
- Citizen ship
- Birth certificates
If children are involved you want to make sure you have all they’re documentation ready to go as well.
It’s important to bring comfort items for your children such as favorite blankets, and stuffed animals.
It is significant that the child has something that brings them love, and familiarity especially during difficult times.
Never ever go somewhere where the abuser can find you staying at friends house or family's house doesn’t work it could put everyone in harm's way.
It is absolutely vital and in the best interest of everyone to go to a women’s shelter or men's shelter.
At a women’s/men's shelter they will provide you with childcare while you get any and all legal documents together and if a court case is required they will provide you with legal representation .
You will be provided the opportunity to work with councilors, and therapists.
If your abuser makes you feel as though you are in jeopardy, don’t break up in person because the results could once again lead to death.
If needed the shelter will relocate you and your children if you are worried that your abuser will somehow get to you, shelters have 24/7 security and security cameras.
It’s a safe and supportive environment, which will protect and provide you with the fresh start you deserve such education and care for children, guidelines to help protect you from any future harm.
It’s a long road of healing and recovery, you have to be willing to sit down and talk to a professional, and gain as much understanding and knowledge around this, because you don’t want history to repeat itself.
You can and will come out of this stronger and wiser for it. You deserve a life free of violence.
Here are some community resources to explore and learn and develop information that will get you out of your nightmare and provide you with stability and comfort during those trying days, and if in immediate danger call 911 .
Women's Shelters Canada