Forgiveness

Forgiveness is definitely one of the hardest things in life to overcome, without a doubt.  

I had a really difficult time coming face to face with the reality of forgiveness.

Believe me when I say there are moments where I still struggle with forgiveness.

I don’t mean forgiveness of others.

I mean forgiveness of self.

I blamed myself for what happened in college when I went through a very toxic and abusive relationship.

I blamed myself for getting assaulted in a park while running on a trail.

Then for a third time, I blamed myself for what happened in 2016; I blamed myself for someone else’s crime.

Forgiveness is so much easier said than done.

It requires so much healing and self-growth, and self-awareness, which comes from counseling.

I hated myself.

I digested with myself.

I thought what happened in college was my fault.

I didn’t see my worth, and I didn't think I deserved better because I had nothing to compare it to.

It took getting cheated to walk away.

I attended therapy in college that year which allowed me to move forward and put the past in the rearview mirror.

Then in July 2016, I was assaulted while running in a park and, I let my low self-esteem tell me it was my fault because I wanted to run on a trail.

It wasn’t only that when my friend told me this was happening to other girls, and I didn’t report it.

I thought, how could I, as I put others at risk with my reporting?

We don’t realize that these incidents aren’t isolated; they happen more often than we think.

Who knows, maybe if I reported it, they would have caught him faster.

I felt so ashamed.

I knew going forward that I would report something like this in the future if I needed to.

I guess you could say I took this as a learning opportunity to do better next time and take the proper steps so that this didn't happen to someone else.

I think when this happens, your body just shuts down and goes into shock.

I felt so dirty after this I literally went home and showered right away and put on a brave front, as I had Will at my house, not knowing weeks later he would be doing the same thing but even worse.

For weeks I didn’t run; I was scared out of my mind.

Plus, I was mad at myself for not taking action and reporting this incident.

Then August 2016, the unthinkable occurred and rocked me to my very core.

It was so difficult.

I placed so much blame on myself.

I went through all the what if’s.

I said to myself, maybe I should have done more for Will; he needed more help than I was aware of.

Maybe when he got back from out West, I should have gotten him into counseling because I knew he was depressed.

Maybe I should have never gone to a party that night and hung out with Will instead.

I went through every single scenario in my head.

I replied to things over a million times.

Most of all, I felt so guilty for being alive and knowing that the deceased was gone.

I hated myself for being here.

I felt guilty for even crossing the street.

I couldn’t understand why I was even still alive.

I thought it wasn’t fair that one person is dead.

I am still here.

I almost took my life over the guilt; it ate away at me.

When I entered counseling, I knew in order to have any forgiveness for myself.

I knew I needed to address every emotion that I was going through that I was experiencing.

I knew honesty that ir was going to be one of the biggest factors in order to get better and do better.

I had to contract everything past, present, and future.

I had to start at the beginning of my life.

I had to crumble all the walls that we were caving in on me and knock them down so I could begin to rebuild.